Thursday 22 September 2011

Pictures!! Not 100% happy with them though.

I finally got round to doing a job I've been meaning to do for a while: Reinstalling Windows!!

I'd had a virus, got rid of the virus, but it had corrupted some critical files, so I decided a few months ago that it was best to back up my files and reinstall Windows. So when I got my new camera I didn't see the point of installing my camera software and transferring my photos onto my laptop until Windows was fixed.

This camera is my first compact digital point-and-shoot. I'm a bit disappointed with the photos to be honest. My other cameras are a lot more manual so I have a lot more control over exposure, shutter speed, focus etc. I have a Nikon d50 (dSLR), a Pentacon film SLR, a Holgaroid and a Diana Mini. I decided that, having a baby, I'd need something more instant, and something I could fit in my pocket. I didn't want to be changing lenses, attaching flashes or changing films.

Because I've only just transferred them to my computer, I've only just been able to view them full size, therefore identifying problems. So here's why I'm not happy with them:

1. Noise from high ISO and blur due to slow shutter speed. Both of these are due to the very poor light in my basement flat! On camera flash is always awful (and the little one hates it) so maybe I need to find an alternative solution!
2. An unfamiliar subject. I never considered the fact that you can't tell a baby to stay still!
3. Autofocus. It never focusses on what I want it to. I used autofocus on my d50, but that had 5 points for you to choose which to focus on.
4. Shooting in JPEG. I'm used to shooting digitally in RAW so I generally use a preset white balance, and then I can adjust it using my laptop without losing any quality.

So anyway, here are some photos of the little one:







Sunday 18 September 2011

What do you do when you can't just move on anymore?

Things between K and I were never meant to be. He doesn't do relationships. It was just supposed to be a fling before he went travelling round South East Asia and then moved back to another UK county. But then I found out I was pregnant. We've been through a lot over the last 10 moths getting to know each other. We do have a lot in common, although we do clash in many ways. There is a big age difference, but it's not really a problem unless one of us makes it.

I've realised though that while he does love me, and he does care about me, he's not in love with me and doesn't want a relationship. He does sometimes say what he thinks I want to hear, yet I wish he'd just tell the truth as things always backfire and blow up into arguments.

I struggle still to understand where I stand with him. He says we're in a relationship because we've got a child together, but not a “relationship”. We do everything as a couple. Tomorrow night he'll be coming up, cooking for me, we'll watch a DVD together, then he'll give me a hug and a kiss goodnight and we'll sleep in separate beds. We do occasionally sleep together, but I let him initiate that as I got fed up of the rejection.

Living only in the present, I'm very happy with the relationship we do have. I've got a very good friend, and a wonderful father to my daughter. I do wish he showed me more affection, and I wish he'd show more appreciation for me, but that's more to do with his personality than our relationship.

But thinking about the future, I'm really scared. I know that one day he'll meet someone else, whether she'll be just a fling or something more serious, I don't know. But I do know it'll break my heart. I try not to think about it and enjoy what we have, but I know that one day someone's going to take that from me.

Part of me wants to back off a bit now, but another part of me wants me to enjoy what I have while I have it.

I also feel that I deserve to be with someone who shows me love, shows me affection and appreciates me.

Wednesday 14 September 2011

Mama's milk

WJ was weighed today. She weighs 8lb 7oz now, which means she's put on 12oz in a week. She'd put on 13oz last week, so that's 25oz in two weeks. It's amazing to think she's thriving so much from my milk. I'm 5'4”, slim and very small breasted, but I'm obviously providing the right nutrition for her.

I'm very proud of myself for sticking with it, but I suppose formula isn't an option for me as I only want the best for her (I don't mean to put down anyone not breastfeeding!). I knew the first week or so would be difficult, but I also knew it would only get easier. We had a few problems at first; small mouth big nipples, milk coming out too fast, etc; but we worked around them and 5 weeks later it feels so natural. When she was just over 2 weeks old, K and I had a few problems, then when she was weighed at 3 weeks she'd not put on that much weight, despite feeding loads - 16 times in a 24 hour period. I figured out afterwards that stress hormones had been inhibiting my hormones to release my milk, so she was having to feed more often but still not getting enough, making me more stressed and tired. When I felt calmer I noticed I released a lot more milk.

It feels magical when she feeds, I don't really see the milk she drinks, I certainly don't have a measure for it, yet every two hours or so she starts looking around, opening her mouth and frantically sucking her hand, then I put her to my breast, she sticks to it for a while, then drops off sleepy and satisfied. I don't feel like I'm feeding her, yet she's getting heavier, stronger and longer!!

The only slight problem we have now is that being small breasted, when she's ready to feed and they're full, they're quite hard and flat so she can't get a good seal so sucks in a lot of air until they're soft. If she falls asleep before burping her, I don't always burp her, but obviously the air has to come out somewhere so she ends up farting quite a bit!!


Happy baby, happy mama!!

Tuesday 13 September 2011

Our very dramatic bith story with no exaggerations

A little late but I had to share:

9th Aug – K's birthday – 39weeks + 3days – Growth scan at hospital. I'd been measuring quite small. My bump was measuring below the 10th centile but fluid level was fine and her estimated weight was measuring just on the 10th centile so I was having weekly scans towards the end of my pregnancy. Today the growth had slowed though and her estimated weight had dropped below the 10th centile. They booked me in for an induction on 15th Aug, but also gave me a stretch and sweep where it was discovered that I was 3cm dilated.

K decided he was going to stay out that night, and if I went into labour he'd meet me at the hospital. I had this odd feeling I was going to go into labour that night and felt I needed him there. After lots of crying and arguing on the phone he got the last train back to mine.


10th Aug – I'd not gone into labour overnight. In fact I woke up feeling like the stretch and sweep wasn't going to work. I was tempted to tell K to go home to the boat. I felt like he didn't want to be here.

6:15-6:30pm – K had just spent ages cooking lots of food. I picked up the gravy and had a really bad pain. I went to the toilet, my mucus plug is hanging out, then had another pain. I was having quite strong 20-30second contractions every 6-7 minutes.

6:50pm – called the hospital. I have bad signal in my flat so was stood outside in the rain. I was told someone would ring me back in 10 mins as they were changing shifts.

7:10pm – I called them back as no one called back. They told me I needed to take paracetamol and have a bath, that I needed to stay at home a few hours. I took paracetamol thinking they weren't strong enough and put my boiler on so I could have a bath.

7:30pm – I called the hospital again, the contractions were now 30seconds long and coming every 5 minutes. I told them I had a 12mile journey and was scared I wouldn't make it. I was told that it was very unlikely I was in established labour so quick with my first, and that the paracetamol hadn't had enough time to work, they'd just be pains. My boiler was still heating the water up so I was told to have a shower.

8:00pm – I got out of the shower with pains so strong I could hardly walk. I was crawling around on my hands and knees trying to get dressed.

8:15pm – called the hospital again, they finally agreed I might be ready to set off!

8:30pm – I got in the taxi, sat on a towel in case my waters broke on the way. The driver was new, it was his dad's taxi. He didn't know the way to the hospital.

8:45pm – We're half way there, then suddenly we get to a queue of traffic. The road's closed. We drive around the queue to speak to the police. She tells us there's no way we can get through the road, we'll have to drive round, through this tiny village on country roads only wide enough for one car. We get to a fork, naturally we take the direction that we need to be going. We end up at a dead end with 2 houses, one being Paddy from Emmerdale's. (Our friend S is friends with him and once S took K up there) Someone came out and directed us the right way. Back to the fork and the driver scratches both sides of the car.

9:00pm and we're finally on a road back down to the main road, but there's another queue. The contractions change, my waters explode, I can feel the head coming out. I pass K my phone, tell him to call 999. He does, they start asking loads of questions, they're clearly not taking us seriously. He hangs up. The driver goes around the queue, 999 call us back, we're with the police at the other side of the diversion, K gets out, a police-man tells me to lie down and K passes him my phone. All the neighbours are looking out of their windows to try find out about the road accident, so luckily the policeman just happens to be outside a midwife's house when he says, “we need a midwife urgently”. She obviously heard and runs outside. I'm really confused for a minute over why there's a midwife here now. She tells me that there's an ambulance on the way so I should try to stop pushing, I tell her that I'm not choosing to push. She removes my trousers and underwear, shouts to someone, “This baby isn't going to wait, get me some gloves and some towels.” She gets gloves from the police and sends someone into her house where there's a suitcase full of towels in the front room as she'd just got back from her holiday. A few pushes and our little one's out, wiped with a Man Utd towel (which K keeps as a souvenir), and placed on my chest. I'm so glad she's ok as the ambulance still isn't here.

9:20pm – someone asks if we got a time of birth. No one had so we decided on 9:15pm, although I'm sure it could have been 9:10pm. An ambulance arrives with gas and air, I have some anyway.

9:40pm – the cord is cut and the placenta is birthed. We keep the placenta for K to bury on the full moon (13th Aug, our due date)


I got carried into the ambulance, checked for shock and taken to the hospital.


I was in shock and I was very frustrated that no one was believing me when I was in labour.


I stayed in hospital 2 nights just so I was confident with breastfeeding.


The road was closed as there had been a big crash, a 29 year old had died, an 18 year old was critical but stable. A few days later we find out that the 29 year old was K's cousin's boyfriend and the 18 year is another friend of our friend S.

Friday 9 September 2011

I'm back

Hi guys!!

I'm back to using Blogger. I've not been anywhere, just busy having a baby etc etc. I'll gradually update you over the next week or two.

I also need to catch up with the blogs I'm following.

Will post more soon...